Jenmenke

Road Warrior

Archives for March 2009

Your Ticket to Absolute Power & Supremacy: Learn to Bake Bread

I make bread. Does that make me some amish-type throwback? A freak show to be ridiculed? A do-gooder wife and mom? Super mom? (I actually AM SuperMom, but that’s stuff for another self-glorifying post.)

Maybe I’m just tired of paying $4.29 for a loaf of the (extremely delicious) take and bake variety at the store. We eat bread in mass quantities. The whole no-carb craze never reached our family. Nor WILL it ever reach our family. Plus, and friends of mine know this, I keep my house at the miserly temperature of 64 degrees during the winter. It’s DAMN cold in here, right up thru May. Making bread really serves many purposes. In decreasing order of importance, it sets me up as a deity to be worshiped, it makes my friends feel like terrible, lazy wives and mothers, it warms my frigid home, it feeds my family, and it saves me money.

The recipes I use could not be easier. Honestly. There is hardly a way you can screw this up, people. Give it a shot. I’m pretty sure that you will love the bread, but I guarantee you will become addicted to the drug that is absolute power and supremacy over your friends and family.

TwipPhoto.com Contest – Winning Essay

drobo

by Jennie Menke

INT. DARK HOUSE – NIGHT

We move from the dark entry toward a light at the back of the house. Another, dimmer, light glows above us, from somewhere upstairs. We enter a warmly lit office & see three screens, two are lit. A blueish light slowly pulses at the bottom of the darkened screen.

JENNIE sits at desk in front of two bright screens, slouched in office chair. No makeup; pajama pants; sweatshirt.

She repetitively drags rectangular icons to corner of screen. QUIET HUM is occassionally broken by occassional loud, sharp CRINKLING NOISE – like violently crumpled paper. She appears to study a small number on screen. Then dragging resumes. It is monotonous. We watch her do this over and over.

DAVE
(yells from upstairs)
Are you coming up?

JENNIE
(exasperated. Overly loud reply)
YES. I’ll be up as soon as I’m done.

DAVE
Laughs (sarcasticly)

JENNIE suddenly sits taller; more decisively upright. She now stares fixedly at a blue bar as it moves slowly across screen. There is a FAINT TICKING barely audible. Blue bar stops and then disappears. She Slouches deeper. She wearily resumes dragging rectangles to corner.

CAMERA PANS SCREEN

SuperDuper:|11:10:51 PM|SVUclone: Error: Couldn’t create.Disk full.

UPSTAIRS LIGHT IS EXTINGUISHED.

I will use Drobo to enhance my love life. No more late nights in the office trashing large video files that I will, no doubt, later need, to make room on my back up drive. I will devote all my extra time to DAVE.

Fade to black.

Atrocities Continue Despite Vigilance

We have no beaks
We have no beaks

For those following the story of the six slain chickens just over a week ago, this news of further atrocities cuts deep. In footage smuggled out late yesterday, these shocking photos point to a deeper level of conflict between the victims and the accused, now identified as Lola G. While details are sketchy, resident owner Jennie Menke had this to say:

“Well, we don’t know for sure if Lola ate their beaks off. They might have come that way. I bought them off Craig’s List to replace the six that were killed. It has been really cold lately. I didn’t really examine them all that closely.”

While Menke has declined to press charges against Lola, authorities are still gathering evidence and may pursue an indictment of aggravated assault as early as late this week.

Lola G. has not returned any of our calls and for now remains free. Authorities feel the question isn’t whether she is guilty or not, but rather, “What will she do next?” We’ll be watching this case closely and bringing you any news of further developments.

I have no comment.
Lola G., "I swear I didn't touch those stupid birds."

Ancient Rosemary Cracker Bread Recipe Unearthed

Throngs of users have flooded thefreshloaf.com taking down servers in attempts to extract the secret details of Jennie Menke’s Rosemary Cracker Bread recipe, which was posted in December and only recently re-discovered by relentless Fiesta Movement fans.*

“Please,” says Menke, “Don’t all click on the link at once. I love TheFreshLoaf.com and don’t want to cause them any undue stress,” adding, “I just don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe 39 followers on Twitter is just too much.”

In order to save a lot of baking heartache, she has posted detailed directions via video, taking viewers through the recipe, step-by-step. Printed Recipe.

Rosemary Cracker Bread

* This reporter is a liar.

Senseless Killings Anger Residents

chickens-dead

Late Saturday, residents were left feeling helpless and angry after mass killings left six chickens dead. The carnage was discovered when owner Jennie Menke returned home from soccer practice with her daughter, Morgan. The first evidence was the lifeless carcass of a favorite Araukana hen known as Pepper.

“Actually,” Jennie Menke later explained, “All the black and white hens are named Pepper. It’s easier that way.”

Investigation continues into this seemingly random act of violence. Witnesses aren’t talking. However, authorities have been called to this residence in the past. Evidence suggests it was the work of experienced killers who have cooperated in past chicken violence at the home. Lola was not available for comment. Buzz, escorted into custody by Charlie Menke, simply stated “It wasn’t me.”

We’ll keep you posted on the events of this story as they unfold. Suspects in the Investigation

The Ford Fiesta Movement – The Missing Demographic

“Jennie Menke takes Whit Scott’s challenge to enter and win the chance to drive a new Ford Fiesta. She describes herself as “the missing demographic” and laments the fact that — until now — she has been stuck driving a suburban.”
So goes the copy I quickly scribbled and posted for all the world to see (well, actually, only about 35 people so far) in my very first video post to youtube. After watching a handful of other entries, I suddenly realized this was the solution to my Suburban Saturation problem — a problem that doesn’t garner a lot of sympathy from anyone in my inner circle. I’ve been lobbying and crunching numbers now for over 2 years in an effort to convince Dave of the logic. This continued coveting of just about any subcompact car has started to cause tension in the familial circle…

Taking the bull by the horns I made a “quick” video and posted it. Now the hard work begins. Even if I don’t win the contest, at least it’s finally spurred me to taking the time to set up a blog and will get me thinking about all kinds of other stuff.

Course, buying the domain and sifting thru WordPress installation issues, then experiencing major log-in problems all added up to an entire day of angst. Here’s a clue to the solution: not “jennifermenke” as intended, but “jennNifermenke” instead. So the process wasn’t exactly painless. How often I have tried to figure out if all this online stuff enhances or detracts from our lives? Still. I’m an addict.

As an aside, my husband — who has had two naps so far today — had the audacity to ridicule me for my effort.

[UPDATE: I did not become a Ford Fiesta Agent. I could go on and on about the dreary days waiting for my phone call and then all the sad and bewildered days that followed. After my interview and some personal contact with the marketing people at Ford, I have to say now what I wouldn’t say then: I seriously thought I was a shoe-in! So what happened??

Well, I’ll tell you some scenarios that played out:

Me on chairlift: I wonder if it’s because we live in the boonies and they want people who live in cities…
Dave, in response: Or maybe it’s cuz you rolled out of bed in your sweats and made a video with no make up on…

(The rest of that vacation, Dave spent pretty much alone, by the way…)

Me: Maybe it’s cuz I really am out of the demographic.
Dad: Yeah. You are way older than the rest of the people they picked…

(I pretty much stopped speculating with other people, due to the affect it was having on my self esteem.)

And then I had an idea:

Me: Maybe it’s my driving record…
A friend who shall remain nameless: I’ll pull your record for  you at work, but you can’t tell anyone…

(I hope this doesn’t count as telling anyone)

Guess what I found out?

I have a careless driving citation from our road trip to Montana in 2007 which is, apparently, a pretty serious ticket.

Nevermind the fact that I got the ticket by being on the inside of a semi that was turning right. He was in the middle lane and I was in the turn lane and didn’t see his signal. If that’s careless driving, then you can call me guilty!

Careless Driving Citation!

So that, coupled with the video where I’m driving with my knee? I’m thinking it was a lethal combination. Which, in hindsight, is pretty funny, if you really think about it.

Besides, who really wanted to spend all that time editing video anyway. Bah!]