Watertown is a small place, so I assume Patty is well aware of my transgression by now. But apologizing is part of the twelve steps, so this is the public apology you, my frenetic stylist, deserve.
I have been unfaithful.
I have strayed from our ten year relationship. I had a delayed seven-year itch. It isn’t you. It’s me. I still love you. It didn’t mean anything.
Actually, I was seduced by the bright lights and big city. And the Keratin Smoothing Treatment.
[I seriously did not need to flat iron my roots! Can you believe it? Sorry, I’m sounding too enthusiastic, I know. I need to be contrite.]
And the idea that someone could lend me some new insight on the Bangs Dilemma.
How was it for me? It was fun! It was exciting! Just like an affair should be. [not that I would know about that.] I got to sit in a huge salon. I got to sit in a massage chair! Lisa was great!**
Here was her answer to the Bangs Dilemma.
She gave me a choice: Bangs or Botox. I picked bangs. So I have bangs again. Which is exactly what you’ve been saying to me for seven years. Well, that isn’t entirely true, is it? We both know you first counciled me to grow the suckers out. Then, when you saw what I looked like without bangs, you changed your mind. And I said, “I told you so.” and you said, “You were right.”
Just like an old married couple.
And you will forgive me. Because that’s the way you are. And we’ll go back to bickering about my bangs. And my moisturizer.
But I’m not sure I can give up the Keratin Smoothing Treatment… Which brings me to one more minor detail…
Morgan had a hair affair too.*
*Save yourself the time of telling my how beautiful Morgan’s hair is. I know it is. Her curls are gorgeous. But she has always wanted straight hair. So now, courtesy of Visa, she has it. For about 3 months. Should she ever want it again, she will need a Bachelor’s degree and a good job. And Morgan, save yourself the breath of complaining about that first pic. I included it to show our detractors why you want straight hair. This is what happens when curl meets brush. Thought you straight-hair-curl-wannabes should know that.
**[Lisa Kingrey Johnson at Salon Lili.] –but that’s only a plug for big city folk. Watertownians [and Sheilabird] should stick to Patty like glue.