As you can see from the picture, I’ve got a LOT of choices surrounding me from my (horizontal) perch in my beloved bed on a Saturday morning — and for some strange reason — I’ve decided to write a post when I have literally nothing to say. Full disclosure: it is 8:55 am. I’ve just finished my latte, and I’m wishing someone would appear with another one, and…
Stop judging me. I know you are.
I’ve paid my weekend morning dues! My kids are almost grown. Dave is working out while I sit in bed with my really skinny dog. Just let me enjoy this.
Yesterday, I made bread for one of my Auction clients (damn you, Joel Landskroener. I hope someday Joel googles his own name and finds this post. That would almost make up for the fact that HE is the REASON I bake my fool head off every month during winter.)
Cheerfully. I’m a cheerful giver.
Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. ~2 Corinthians 9:7
Well, yesterday I wasn’t, but don’t tell anyone. Only God knows! And, well, I guess you know now, too… Anyway, I was trying to update my bread videos on YouTube and instead of taking a few hours of time, it took me all damn day. I haven’t made a video in… like. I don’t even know….
I just looked on YouTube: 6 years.
That’s all? My gosh. I feel like it’s been ten. Huh. But then, I told someone it took us 25 minutes to get someplace yesterday and Dave called me on it and I argued, bringing it down to 20 minutes, and he timed it on the way home and it was 16, so I guess it’s confirmed: I have no holy clue about time or anything else.
My videos on YouTube are outdated. I’ve made several recipe modifications and when I tell people to use my videos (to save myself the time of spending an entire day teaching them, when I know they will never actually make the bread, love them though I do… I mean really. Go. Watch. The. Video.) I want to make sure that I’m giving them my BEST self. My BEST effort.
Honestly, it’s also because I’m a little sensitive to some of the ridiculously dumb things on those old videos. Like, for example, the phase I went through when I used a loaf pan filled with nuts and bolts and chains in the bottom of the oven and poured water over that to create steam. What the hell was I even thinking?
- Or storing the bread under the sink on top of the compost bucket and chicken scraps.
- Or letting the ciabatta dough blow the lid off the container because I forgot about it.
Plus, there are all these comments like: “galvanized metal creates toxic fumes that will… blah, blah blah…” “Proofing your bread inside a Gap bag is toxic…” Have you ever spent any time actually reading YouTube comments? These people… they do exist. And they are mean and crazy and have a lot of time on their hands.
But oh my gosh the work involved in making video. And honestly. What happens if I go viral? Am I really ready for YouTube stardom? Think about that. Really think:
…I’d be like on the Today show as one of the most random YouTubers ever born and they’d be interviewing me and then I’d have my own show… And a, of course, a couple books… And I’d totally change. Just like The Pioneer Woman. When we all went from loving her to hating her.
And here’s the thing: poor Ree! She didn’t do anything wrong! People just love her too much, so she’s flippin’ everywhere! She hasn’t changed! She’s still the same dripping-with-kindness person she always was! But now, we love to be all snarky and judgey, hating her!
Or is that only me and my mini-me, Morgan?
It doesn’t matter. I just don’t want that for myself. No siree. Same goes for the PowerBall. No thank you.[You guys know I’m kidding, right? (no, no, not about Ree. I really cannot take her. She’s way too nice.) Well and not about the PowerBall, either. That’s a whole other topic. But about stardom… oh never mind.]
Back to the videos.
It took me about an hour to figure out how I would even film the bread-making. I literally have no idea how I did it six years ago. This time around, I was using my phone. Then I kept running out of phone space (Mantra: buy more space than you think you will ever need!), having to go to my office, download the video, erase the phone video and run back to the ciabatta that was oozing all over the damn place.
Then the Frontier Communications guy showed up with no warning in the middle of… I don’t even remember what.
Why, you ask? Because I made my very first Better Business Bureau complaint against them due to “contractual failure.” –And they showed up out of the blue to basically test my internet (for like the bazillionth time) and tell me — honestly, for once — that there are over 50 DSL lines connected to my area’s 35 megabyte service line. Do your math, people. If each of those 50 users have the same 3MB download speed that I am supposed to have, and every user was on at once, that requires 150MB. We have 35MB. BUT: I learned that not every user has the same 3MB that I am limited to (and rarely enjoy). No: I found out that many users have 6MG and 12MB service. One guy even has 24MB! That means that if that 24MB joker is online and gaming, there is only 11 MB left for the other 49 users. OMG. No wonder our internet stalls out, like every damn hour of every damn day! And yet, Frontier keeps selling the service out here, despite knowing they are way over-subscribed and can rarely meet their minimum service obligation. It is wrong!
*pant, pant* I digress. Many apologies. But seriously, if you live in the area, email or call the local office and ask for Ron Winebarger (or email Ron.Winebarger@FTR.com) and complain! They are flirting with the idea of fiber out here and the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Ron already hates me, so I don’t even care if you use my name. Thank you in advance.
Holy cow. OK. That was a bit of a diversion, eh? So anyway, the Frontier guys shows up after I’ve already spent hours trying to film these three videos and —what?— now I’m supposed to stand there in my kitchen talking to a camera while I bake bread while he’s in the office? Like anyone would ever do that.
I have some pride, you know…
Actually I have a lot of pride. It’s my achilles heel and main Christian stumbling block. Again– fodder for another post.
So, this guy really screwed up my filming and I’m pretty sure the vids are now unusable.
But still I soldier on!
In the middle of shaping the Rosemary Cheese Boule, a client — who shall remain nameless — calls and the conversation was… so truly frustrating, I cannot even.
Like, am I that bad at explaining something? Am I crazy? Are you stupid? Should I just stop talking now?? Seriously. That bread in the oven has to come out and I have to film it and…
oh just forget the whole damn thing.
I’m sitting there in the office. The timer on the oven is going off. This woman is, like, saying I-don’t-even-know-what cuz I wasn’t listening to her anymore. Lola was doing her daily start-at-3:00-crying-fest-because-it’s-time-for-a-walk…
And did I even mention the part about the rain? The sheets and sheets of rain and wind that turned my daily walk route into a mud-zone/danger-thin-ice zone? Don’t even get me started. I was forced on to the out-and-back-wind-gusted-hated dirt-road-route with Lola, aka Cujo, the mean dog that makes walking in a public space very anxiety-inducing.
No, I don’t put her on a leash.
Yes, that would reduce anxiety.
Anyway, I developed an epic migraine, and by the time Dave came home I was just a real picnic. WELCOME HOME, DAVE! #poordave.
…I have these pork chops in the fridge that I should cook. He wanted to go out. That makes me feel like a bad wife/mom. #guiltridden
So we went out. [cuz I’m not stupid. ]
And now I’m sitting in bed realizing what a shallow and lame person I am. My armpits and feet are sweaty, which is always my signal to get up; I’ve lain in bed long enough.
Time to Seize the Day! Be a better person! Be productive! Be happy! Put on deodorant! Make another latte cuz clearly one is not going to magically appear!
And pray that the driveway isn’t as muddy as it was yesterday.