The only thing that qualifies me to write anything on the subject of mental health is the fact that I suffer from my own mental health. Or lack of it. I am certainly not qualified to write anything about menopause, given I have done almost no research on the topic. So why am I writing about it? In my gardening and cooking blog no less?
To be clear, I am only 44 years old — way too young to be talking about menopause. Only I’m not. Too young, that is. Peri-menopause can go on for years. I’ve had maniacal hot flashes–which seem to come in phases–for over a year now. I was hoping the Black Rage would also be a phase, only it doesn’t seem to be going away.
I am writing about the Black Rage because I have been living under it’s cloud for about 3 months now. And instead of it getting better, it is getting worse. So I have decided to cave in, stop fighting it and embrace it. Today, for the first time, I googled these two words: Menopause + Anger. The search results were almost as funny as this weekend when I googled “Underduck vs Underdog.” The top hit in that search was freakishly perfect. (For the record, it is “underduck: when you push someone on a swing and run under them as you push.”) Friends and I were having an argument about it. It was 5 to 1 against me. I was so pissed. I digress… Google it yourself. Vote for what YOU called it in the comments below, cuz I’m curious.
Anyway, the search results for “Menopause Anger” were so astoundingly spot-on that it actually made me mad (are you sensing a theme here? A theme of rage?). I was irritated because I like to think of myself as unique and special. How can all the other people in this world be experiencing the same thing as me?
For example, on one of the sites, a woman named Lori wrote: “…I have found myself getting mad at my dog because she wants a pet.” Check. (The only difference is that I don’t “find myself getting mad,” I rise up in an unadulterated fury and scream “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID DOGS, THIS IS MY COUCH!” And, I might try to kick them as they scatter.)
Another writer named Pat found the need to “detach myself from some longstanding ‘volunteer’ commitments that I’d taken on when I didn’t really want to, because I felt obligated or guilty or whatever.” Check. (The only difference with me is that I didn’t detach myself, as Pat did. What did I do? I simply made one of the people that I do volunteer work for cry this morning. Do I feel bad about it? Well, if being madder that she started to cry counts as remorse, then yes, I feel bad about it. If not, then no. I’m ticked that I didn’t think of crying first.)
Anyway, for all you who actually know me, go ahead and say it. Chant it aloud if it makes you feel better. You know you want to:
POOR DAVE.
Only, if you are really going to go to the trouble, you might as well throw in:
Poor Morgan. Poor Charlie. Poor Buzz. Poor Lola.
And as of this morning, Poor Susie at Freedomfarm.
Something tells me I might need to add a new category to my blog topics.
Sheila says
This is great. Love it. Glad I didn’t suffer from The Rage. Maybe you need hormones. This doesn’t sound like it is going away anytime soon. I know for a fact that it saved the sanity of least one of my dear friends. (and her friends and family were thankful too.) She admits she was out of her mind. AND SHE IS A SCHOOL NURSE! No amount of talking and/or writing is a cure.
Michelle says
I think everyone is afraid to comment in fear of the Black Rage descending upon us. POOR FRIENDS!!!
admin says
Not sure if I’ll consider hormones. I let it go until my family walks me into the mental hospital, then I’ll reevaluate. As for “poor friends” I completely understand. As long as no one brings up the fiestamovement, I’ll be fine. 🙂
Mary Jo says
Ha – get hormones if the rage continues. I am a senior paralegal in my late 40’s and I am raising three children. About 1-1/2 years ago, I started finding myself getting way too angry over the smallest things — something I am not known for. I am usually pretty easy going. Anyway, in addition to the hot flashes, lack of sleep, etc. the rages started coming – the turning point is when I was at work in my office and I just finished a frustrating phone call. I took the receiver of the phone and started banging it against my desk and cussing!!! That was my clarion call to get menopause help. What a difference it’ made. I started to feel “normal” again and my family wasnt tiptoeing around me. Best of luck to you.
admin says
That’s what I hear, that’s what I hear. So if it gets bad again, I’ll have to consider it. When you dad tentatively walks up to you, puts your arm around you and says quietly “you know honey, they have stuff you can take for this.” Well, then you know it’s bad. This is the same guy who threw me behind a boat and nearly drowned me when I was learning to waterski. He simply didn’t care! anyway. Thanks for the encouraging words. I’ve been really good for the last few months.
Terri says
I assure you all that this is a transitional part of life. The part I hate is that I am in that transition. I have started to disrespect anything or anyone that “crosses” me. My family knows so well if I am ill. If you consider that my period has been going off and on for 6 months (mostly on) you might have empathy for me. I have been to two OBGYN’s and same outcome. I do not want surgery. My hormones are all in normal range. My intinction for submitting this is help others. Please appriciate the fact that your family wants to help. I just smile and continue to say I’m just tired. I heard a comic say she would awake look at her husband and think…Should I make you waffles for beat your brains out with a baseball bat. He awoke and she said would you like waffles for breakfast?
Terri says
I assure you all that this is a transitional part of life. The part I hate is that I am in that transition. I have started to disrespect anything or anyone that “crosses” me. My family knows so well if I am ill. If you consider that my period has been going off and on for 6 months (mostly on) you might have empathy for me. I have been to two OBGYN’s and same outcome. I do not want surgery. My hormones are all in normal range. My intinction for submitting this is help others. Please appriciate the fact that your family wants to help. I just smile and continue to say I’m just tired. I heard a comic say she would awake look at her husband and think…Should I make you waffles or beat your brains out with a baseball bat. He awoke and she said would you like waffles for breakfast?
admin says
Yes, I agree on all points. Thankfully, I’m having a bit of reprieve from the continual rage. It’s quick to flare up, for sure. And there are inexplicable times of general anger. But really, for the most part, I’m having fun. I’ve spent my whole life as a pleaser and I get to use this timely hormonal tick to tell ’em all to f*ck off! Well… I don’t actually say that… only to some of them!
Kamden says
I just googled menopause and rage and found your Black Rage reference. OMG! That is totally me. I have always been a people pleaser and have historically tried to guess what folks want (as if I truly have the power to read minds! haha!) For the last 2 years I noticed mood changes, anxiety and changing periods. I am having more trouble being what I think everyone wants me to be, sweet, funny and kind Kamden. The last several months I have had trouble sleeping, mental clarity issues, hot flashes and all. Then….the Black Rages came on. Yep, recently an innocent vacuum sweeper lost its life. I just slammed it into oblivion one day while trying to vacuum the floor. Several other household items have fallen prey to this Black Rage recently as well. Having just had my 42nd birthday, I thought the doc might tell me it was all in my head and I needed to seek professional psychiatric help. Funny, since I manage a psychiatric nursing floor–oh, the irony! Nope, just found out I am fully meno-paused! The ovaries are eeking out the last of my happy drug, estrogen. Only been on HRT for 1 week (the natural bio-identical kind) with no effect as yet. I am crossing my fingers. I am not the posting type, but had to write something. I was relieved to find out that I was not alone. Good luck to you!
admin says
Oh, good Lord! The minions of us. We could start an ARMY! Can you imagine?! I just wrote a new post yesterday, addressing the fact that I had only written one time about Menopause Rage, and yet, those two words, typed into Google bring more people to this site than any other. And it’s a food and gardening blog!! Too funny. Mine has abated somewhat, thankfully. I know it will rear it’s ugly head again, and I’m ready for it. I can’t wait to write about it, because there are so many people just like me!! (it’s almost a bit eerie, don’t you think? Take care and good, good luck!
Faith Simmons says
When you reach menopause, you may need some hormone replacement therapy just to stay on top shape..:~
Jami says
I prefer to think of this time of my life as “World Accountability.”
You know, if you don’t want me to be angry with you then behave. And if I’m angry anyway then it’s payback for another time. I’m sure they deserve it.
I’m very much in a mirrored state with my anger – you come and me and my spikes will meet you. 🙂
I’m actually enjoying higher mental clarity and a quicker ability to learn than ever before! I’m thinking that it is the direct result of not spending so much effort kissing a$s anymore. There simply is more synapses available to do other things now. Like bake. And can. And learn new technologies at work. Wish I would have figured this out earlier in life… haha.
Loved your post Jen, hope you’ve found enjoyment in your pleaser-pause.
Hannah Hall says
you can also reduce the sypmtoms of menopause by having hormone replacement therapy.”;-
admin says
yes, yes. I know. But I guess until I come at someone with an ax, I won’t think I’ll need hormones. 🙂
BellesAZ says
I’m a little late to this discussion and that alone pisses me off. But, I’m here nonetheless. Piping in about hormonal changes or as I like to call it, the “That only happens to other people” syndrome.
Mine started in my mid-40’s. Lighter periods was the only saving grace and every few months or so, a real doozie. I never seemed to mind those however, because I felt they were testimony to my anger. They represented how I felt. I started getting the sweats, began to tear up and cry easy, but never really connected the dots that this could be menopause.
I was too young and I thought I was just being a bitch.
A few years before the menopause really kicked in, I went to my doctor because my husband made me. I had symptoms showing up then and didn’t realize it at the time. My issue was getting pissed off at people from a distance. Like when driving my car or speaking to someone over the phone.
One day, I was in the drive up line at McDonalds – hubby was in the passenger seat and I was a couple of cars behind the car at the window. Well, the clueless dunderhead behind me decided he was in a major hurry, so he started honking his horn. As if, that was going to make the line go any faster.
As soon as I received and paid for my items, I thought I’d show Mr. Bonehead he annoyed me. I decided to do a Uturn in the parking lot and block him at the front of his car and preventing him from leaving the McDonalds. Luckily there was a woman behind him who was laughing hysterically – I think she was smack dab in the middle of her menopause since I think I saw her dabbing her forehead with her tissue. The woman making minimum wage inside the McDonalds looked to be in her 60’s. She’d “been there done that” I’m sure because he was hoping she’d help him. She was angry because she was a senior citizen almost, and only making minimum wage. Ha! We had him surrounded. My husband was not amused when I jumped out of the car to confront him. I cursed him out in my new “floury” language. (I think God grants women the instant ability to cuss like truck drivers when they enter menopause. Another bonus!)
Me and my menopausal allies scared the daylights out of him. He was surrounded by 45+ year old women. The man’s worst nightmare. Hey, at least we didn’t super glue his hands to his steering wheel so he could never honk again!!
Long story short, my Doctor gave me Zoloft to take for a few months and I did start to feel better. Just about that time, all the rage and sweats disappeared. Just like that! I was good for about 3 years and I thought.. “hey, no problem! This is all there is to it?” But, it all came back again.. and here I sit dabbing my forehead with a cold paper towel…
And craving a Big Mac.
admin says
Belles, that is too funny. But I wouldn’t say that to your face, in case you wanted to wipe the grin off it… “menopause rage” continues to be the #1 search term bringing people to this website. “Dandelion Digger” is close on it’s heels, but not nearly as fun to read about, eh?
BellesAZ says
Have you seen the add for Dos Equis beer – the most interesting man in the world. There is a line in one that says, “He’s so interesting that if he punched you in the face, you’d have to resist the temptation to thank him.” LOL.. I guarantee, that’s not me! No worries there.
James Garcia says
menopause symptoms can be remedied by hormone replacement therapy,;*
Jami says
menopause symptoms can be remedied by people being less stupid and annoying (instead of hormone replacement therapy, which has health risks of its own).
BellesAZ says
Jami, I must be one of the stupid people you speak of because that makes no sense to me at all. Every case is different and there are new studies and drug therapies now available to women. I think sometimes the risks outweigh the problems that many women face during this time. It’s not just hot flashes and crankiness – HRT has been studied as very effective short term therapies and are found to have a substantial benefit to some women. In particular, those at risk of heart failure, stroke and colon cancers. Long term HRT therapies are certainly criticized, but there are definitely benefits to some women and each case is an individual decision with their doctor. I used to be critical of HRT as well – that is until I had to live with this roller coaster and this monster. It’s no picnic. I’m seriously considering doing something – and am consulting with my physician to make very personal decisions for my life.
Jami says
@BellesAZ: I was responding to those who posted that comment over and over and over. Yes, we know that is an option. I was being flippant.
Of course you are encouraged to do whatever you choose with your life and your body with no objections from me.
I’m not even critical of HRT – I only indicated that it has health risks of it’s own.
I think what I’m really saying is that less HRT would be needed if people were less rude and self absorbed. But for those who need it – take it!
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Electric Griddle says
everyone would come to an age of menoupause so just enjoy each day while you are young “:`
? says
Sounds like a lotta marriages Went Down the tubes because MOST women seem not to do What it Takes, to get it under control.They just sit around and let it run wild & talk on blogs, while theres a WEALTH of information, & methods to try………… lol, You Hate the man that Wouldve Done anything for you. Now thats insane.
BellesAZ says
Seriously, if you can’t come up with a user name better than a question mark, how do you expect anyone to take you seriously??? and??? for good measure.
I suspect the Question Mark blogger is a man.. hmmm. I love the fact that he capitalizes MOST women for effect.
Here’s my two cents Mr. Question Mark.. if “getting it under control” means I greatly increase my chances of getting cancer, then sorry but you’ll have to put up with BITCH. If you don’t like it, you know where the door is, right? My husband is one of those guys “who would do anything” and what he does is knows when to shut up and knows when to be sympathetic.. a lesson that perhaps you could learn.
Magnolia says
I found your blog while checking some search engine stats for my own blog. I loved the title of your post…”The Black Rage of Menopause”. It made me laugh, but it’s also SO ACCURATE!!
And by the way, I’m sure you know by now, since your post was done in 2009. 44 is not too young to be going through perimenopause. I started in my early 40s. I’m now 54 and menopausal. THANK GOD!!
I’ve been blogging about perimenopause for a few years now. I’m also now in graduate school to acquire a graduate degree to help me help other women who are in perimenopause.
If you’re up for it, maybe you can check out my blog sometime. Hoping you are feeling better too. 🙂
Magnolia
admin says
?: you sound like you might have a little rage yourself, eh?
Hi Magnolia, no you are right, I’m not too young. And thankfully, my rage is in “remission”, hopefully never to be seen again. I did not like it, regardless of the newfound freedom it gave me.
Also: I did check out your site. After the staggering number of people who have stumbled onto my blog when searching “menopause rage” I would imagine you get a fair number of readers!
thanks for stopping by!
karen says
my sister did not believe me when i told her i thought my “issues” were peri-menopause related. can’t wait for her to hit 43. love the black rage. how about instead of hormone replacement therapy, humor replacement therapy. we can pit bellesaz against ? for the title bout! i will buy tickets!
admin says
Belleaz vs ? showdown! But how much you wanna bet that “?” didn’t “subscribe to comments” so he doesn’t even know we eagerly await his return? My money is on Belle.
Sapphire says
How fantastic is this blog? I LOVE the ranting. It soothes my raging soul. I love the black rage also. Most of the time. All the things I was afraid all my life to say, all the confrontations I avoided, all the yeses when I should’ve said no. Not a problem any longer!
I have noticed that more calcium and some key herbs (black cohosh, damiana, Dong Quai, Wild Yam, Black Current Seed oil, Chasteberry with just a pinch of Ginko Biloba) have made a huge difference in all my delightful symptoms. I still have a wee touch of the rage and I like it! LOVE TO ALL!!
admin says
Hilarious, Sapphire. I know what you mean. It IS a bit cathartic, isn’t is? It’s kind of like a mean truth serum. I’m glad it is in remission, but I remember the feeling well…
Justine says
OH THANK GOD! IT’S NOT JUST ME!
admin says
Justine. You just made me spit my coffee out. Thanks for the smile.
Justine says
Glad you enjoyed. Hope your desk and clothes remained unharmed.
I have a related image I’d love to share with you but I have not found a place to post it besides facebook. Maybe the ‘website’ addy will work.
Angela C says
OMG —- thank you for your Gardening and Black Rage blog. Had a horrible week and reading the chats has really helped me today. Keep sharing the stories and comments please.
frenky says
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Julia Bulia says
more sex…. that is what my husband’s mother tells me helps perimenopause, ewww…she herself “never experienced even one symptom” slap her please…that expression and “I don’t know ‘why’ everyone makes a big deal out of thanksgiving, it’s one of the easiest meals to prepare” …
My 11yr son asked me the other day why I look like I’m mad all the time… I told him it’s because he (& co-conspirator, sister) leave crap all over the house all the time, puts me in a bad mood. Honestly lately everything does…I’m looking for a loft studio on a mountain top away from civilization…
admin says
when you find the loft, send me an email and I will meet you there. And really — isn’t there a not-so-small part of you that feels 100% JUSTIFIED in BEING MAD ALL THE TIME? And wonder if menopause should be our NORMAL state of mental health and our willingness to let things slide with a shrug and a smile prior to its onset a sort of hypnotic STEPFORD WIFERY?
Now. I must take leave of my friends here. I have to go have a drink.
Patricia says
I am trying to control my rage unsuccessfully. I think I need to stay away from people. If my health insurance was worth a flip I would use it to get some hormones.
BellesAZ says
@Julia.. mothers in law shouldn’t talk about ookie things like sex with our chidren’s grandfathers… shiver! Reminds me of the time, I was looking for Advil in my M.I.L.’s cabinet in the bathroom and I found her battery operated fun toy… seriously, a rubber unicorn? It was pink too!
Leavemealone says
I Googled “menopausal rage” and landed here, thank God. Husband (Dave, btw), as I write, is sleeping in the camper. He is not injured, (physically) but finally got smart and left. It wasn’t pretty last night. I was about to go down to the police station and have myself arrested for bad behavior….but changed my mind.
I am 50 and am in full menopause (no periods now for 2 years). I am on low doses of bioidentical hormone relacement therapy (topical estrodiol cream, and low natural plant based progesterone) and they are only slightly helping. Still get hot flashed too, and occasional migraines. Will be going down to doc to have the levels checked.
Anyway…thanks you guys for making me laugh. We laugh at this (can’t help it) but the shame, pain, and consequences of the black rage are serious. Doesn’t do much for anyone’s self esteem. The last thing I would want to do is hurt someone…verbal abuse is forever.
However,at the same time…I just dare some asshole to break into my house and try to rape or murder me. I may die, but I would take him down!! I would spread so much of that guy’s DNA all over the place…. (Oh boy, see what a psycho I am??!)
I am in the proccess of losing my home, my marriage, some of my long time animal companions, and have been diagnosed with spinal stenosis in my neck. I am dealing with this lovely hormone imbalance all at the same time. Sorry to sound whiney (people who whine just piss me off!) but I just needed to tell someone.
Funny, I AM looking at moving to a small place out in the middle of nowhere (mountains) with my horses….but the wind there is irritating! lol.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Belle, you kill me. ?, you don’t even know what you are discussing.
admin says
Oh you guys! You read about internet “meet ups” and stupid stuff like that — but wouldn’t a “meet up” of this group be AWESOME? Oh my gosh, I laugh. It isn’t even funny — it’s so SAD — and SCAREY — but still I laugh. I’m so sorry Leavemealone. You are in a lonely place it sounds. And rage in the midst of all that. It must be hard to know what is real… You want to hear something even more hysterical? I got my PERIOD this morning. First time in 6 months! AAARRRGGGH . So now I start all over again…
And YOU say you are STILL in the RAGE 2 years AFTER your last? God help us all…
BellesAZ: you are too funny.
Hang in there ladies!
Leavemealone says
Oh, I forgot…did I mention the gas? I really don’t mean to sound crude, but excessive gas can be another lovely side effect of menopause…that is seldom talked about or expounded upon (for obvious reasons)
No wonder “?” seems a little bitter…a gaseous, ranting, frothing, sagging individual probably doesn’t make the best of bed partners.
If they stay, I say they deserve an award!
Blackfeet_5 says
I know I’m a little late to the party but I just found this blog site. I had to laugh because I can relate to almost everything on here! My husband has learned that when the were-woman flares up he lays low! I have also too noticed that I tend to not take as much cr@p from people theses days and I’m not convinced that is really a bad thing???
Hormone replacement certainly can alleviate the symptoms but I’m pretty convinced the relief is not worth the increased risk of cancer, having watched my Mother die from cancer. Eventually, this too shall pass, hang in there ladies!
mimi says
As i am laying here (cant sleep) i am terrified. i am bi polar and have been on meds all of my life. (have been hospitalized 4 times for suicide) i just turned 49; period just started to spot for weeks and very emotional.Is this perimenaposal(word not even in spell check: ) according to My mother/aunt’s/dear old grandmom…”they never ever never went thru “”THE CHANGE”
wow.good for them..are they virgins too?I’m laughing…
can a Real woman help me out here please?
much lug
mimi
mimi says
much lug??really
i ment MUCH LUV!!
mimi
Leavemealone says
Mimi..Here is my two cent’s worth 🙂
Everyone’s different. Give yourself a break, and room to be different. My mom said the same thing..never had any symptoms, ever. Makes you feel bad about yourself if you do. You are a wonderful, precious human being worthy of love, support, and a happy life. Keep the doctors involved. Low dose bioidentical hormone replacement therapy is really starting to work for me. My sister too. (Some people cannot take this if they have high risk for cancer and other problems, ask doc) Take a pro-active stance in your treatment…Know that your mood is being affected by hormones. Have faith in something. For me, it’s God (I know, I sound like a hypocrytical religious fanatic.. which I am..but believe it or not,it has really helped me too). And lastly…Here is my philosophy about suicide…I have paid for my ticket, and by God, I am not walking out of this movie until the credits are running..(I may cover my eyes at times, but I will not walk out). Much Luv to you, too. Susan
mimi says
Susan
sometimes kind words from a stranger mean so much.Thank You!
I’m also afraid of abandonment. my hubby and i have been married
25yrs and whist he isn’t the most affectionate man he is very much the
bread winner, supportive in that manner….if i put him tutu any more of
(insanity) I’m scared i will be opening the door for him to leave…
and hey..I’m not opposed to any drugs to makes me sane…too bad there
isn’t a support group like this to have get togethers and enjoy each others
insane but Very sane company! aaggain..Thank you Susan and much happiness
to you.
mim
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