Dear Woman Who Hovers to Pee in Public Restrooms:

Why do you hover over the seat to pee? Is it because you think the seat in an otherwise immaculate bathroom is inexplicably dirty and disgusting?

Did you ever stop to consider that the reason a seat might be dirty is because, by hovering, you just PEED ALL OVER IT? Then you stand up and leave it there without a second thought, all the while screaming at your kids, “DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!” in that hysterical voice you reserve for public bathrooms?

Along comes Jennie, doing her trademarked potty dance, where she alternately crosses her legs and bends over while chanting, “You can do this. You can do this. It’s all in your head… COME ON, Jennie, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” Then standing up and realizing, nope, she can’t. So she looks both ways to see if anyone is watching, discreetly “holds it” and jogs the remaining steps to the bathroom, frantically unbuttoning her jeans as she scampers to the stall, barely making it in time and lands on the seat with a sigh of relief. “I made it!” she exclaims. …only to find the back side of her thighs WET with someone else’s pee.

I’m not talking about a bathroom in Tijuana — even I might hover there. I’m talking about a bathroom in, say, The Galleria in Edina. Marble floors. Granite countertops. Cool fixtures. Gleaming floors that are cleaned 4 or 5 times a day.

And pee on their toilet seat.

From you.

So let me just implore you: wipe the damn seat after you go. I won’t judge you for hovering if you just wipe the seat.

In return, I’ll work on my psychosomatic potty issues. Thank you in advance for your consideration

Sincerely,
Jennie Menke