[ I wrote this a while ago and decided not to post it. “Too weird!” But it just keeps circling around in my head. I can’t be the only person like this, can I?? So here goes: ]
I listened to something today that broke my heart. It was on a podcast that I’ve been binge-listening to…
What I heard on the podcast was how this actor makes himself cry when he needs to conjure up tears for acting. He read something that works every time. And it goes something like this:
Kate Winslet always felt bad about her body growing up. She carried that into adulthood. She didn’t want her daughter to feel the same way, so she’s standing next to her daughter and they are both in their underwear in front of a full-length mirror and she says, “Aren’t we lucky to have curves?”
(So, Kate, if you are reading this and I got it wrong, don’t blame me, blame the podcast – just leave me a comment and I’ll fix it…)
I was listening to this as I was walking with the dog (in the rain) (again) and it sort of took my breath away. One of those moments where you go: “I totally fucked this motherhood thing up.” I tipped my face up to the rain and thought… I don’t remember. But it was meaningful. Which brings me to my point.
Would I want another chance? To go back and fix it?
No, no, no. Hell no.
But in theory, yes. Yes, please.
Because honestly – and I’ve had this discussion with some of my friends – it is highly likely that even knowing everything I know today, I’d still fail miserably. Still be the same, stupid, well-meaning-but-literally-clueless mom to my kids. I am still such a work-in-progress myself!
I just keep hearing this stuff that is so BEAUTIFUL. So RIGHT. So REGRET-INSPIRING. How do they know all this?
Anyway.
Lately my daughter – she’s 22 — has made a few comments along the lines of knowing that I meant well, but understanding that I had my own baggage; that I “couldn’t help it.” So, basically implying what I’ve already admitted: I failed motherhood and that Kate Winslet really IS all that. Of course my knee jerk reaction was to disagree with her. To twist it around to try to make her see that she was imagining everything and/or misunderstanding my intentions.
(Another one of my skillz: master verbal manipulator. Very damaging to children and husbands, alike. Very hard to control. Very regretful…)
Truth is, she’s right. I did bring my own baggage. So, with every “positive message” I was sending a negative message right along with it.
As in, “That’s not a healthy choice.” being heard as, “You will get fat.” Or, “You are fat.” Of course she WASN’T fat. She ISN’T fat. (And so what if she was??! Would I love her less? Is my love conditional??) (For the record, no. But I can see where a child would believe that.)
They say it’s never too late.
What I would like my adult daughter to know and believe:
I thought I was teaching you how to be healthy
I didn’t know I was saying you weren’t good enough.
I thought I was helping you to see the other side of the story when you were sad and having problems…
I didn’t know I was saying your feelings didn’t matter.
I thought I was giving you good advice
I didn’t know I was saying you weren’t capable.
I thought I was responsible for your soul
I didn’t know that God is bigger than that.
I thought I was helping you to find your style
I didn’t know… Nope, that one I’m gonna stick with. Shopping with your grandma at Target was always a bad idea.
I look back at my mistakes and my well-meant intentions and realize…
I really fucked this motherhood thing up.
I’m pretty sure your apartment needs a good cleaning and your hair probably stinks, but YOU are LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY. I hope you can forgive me for the mistakes I made and will continue to make as your mom.
~Love, Super Mom
Patty says
You are the best!!!
Maria Dahn says
Omg! I love you both! You two are amazing and wonderful and great and crazy but that’s what makes you two the absolute best to me!
Lorrie says
Today Peter came home from his annual physical and said his doctor told him to tell me that I need to praise him more. Gulp. Not sure what went on in that exam room but Pete’s got a great doc and I totally respect him. He’s right, I do need to praise both of my boys all day and all night ’cause they are intrinsically good people. We try so hard to “help” our kids and don’t realize that we are giving mixed messages. Being a mother/parent is the hardest job…EVER…but also the BEST.
Sharon Roe says
You are such a great read, Jen! I love this post so much, and know that you and Morgan are going to continue to have a great relationship!
admin says
Yes Lorrie– EXACTLY what I was getting at. It’s a tough thing to realize. And I — well I am famous for all kinds of advice and words that — when viewed from the receiver’s perspective — are filled with subtle recriminations.
I’ll probably always be like this to some degree. But this was just a way to go on record. Be accountable. And to validate her feelings. We are all good. We have a great relationship. And thankfully, she knows I love her.
Thanks for sharing your own slice of the parenthood pie. 🙂
admin says
Patty and Maria and Sharon: you guys are so awesome. Thanks for taking the time to comment. So nice to hear nice words from people Who know me on all different levels — even if you don’t ACTUALLY know what a beast I can be! #gemini
I love and miss all three of you!
Rob says
This can apply to sons as well. One time while playing the role of Santa, an 8 year old girl came up yo me saying me; “Santa, would you bring me any presents for Christmas?” I asked her why she thought that I would not bring her any gifts. She said; “Because I did not get an A on my math test.” She seemed really a smart child to me. I asked her; “What did you get on your math test?” She said; “An A-.” High expectations can be really hard on children. I gave her advice to learn from her mistakes by asking her teacher for help, but to know she is always loved in having a blessed Christmas! Her mom was there to hear all of this and I think she realized that it is best to provide encouragement to do your best. You can always lead a horse to water, but you can never force them to drink. But parents are the mentors for the generations to come. It is not often an easy job. Thanks for sharing!
Sara says
OK I am so glad you posted this. I love everything about it!!!!
Susan says
OMG you just made be bawl hysterically. We all do the best we can as mothers and always have good intentions when it comes to our kids. As high school/colleges runners I’m sure we both knew more than our share of people with eating disorders. While we never want that for our children many of us were equally concerned about our children being overweight.
I have a very vivid memory encouraging my 12 year old son to do sit ups with me because I was concerned he was getting a little “puffy”after having his braces removed. I didn’t tell him I thought he was “getting fat” but in retrospect I’m sure he felt it. Talk about a bad mom!
The upside is that my son has always been very health conscious with regard to diet and exercise which I know will benefit him his entire life. Despite my shortfalls I’m blessed to have a son that loves me unconditionally despite MY “baggage”.
Pam says
I love you.
Michelle says
Thank you for putting this out there Jennie! Parenting is hard. What we do and say can effect one child positively and the other negatively. How do we know? We don’t. We can’t change the past–Even if I knock down and destroy that statute you have of yourself out by your pool. (My attempt at wittiness since I’ll never have my own blog) Has there been intentional sarcasm? OF COURSE! Are we trying our best? DAMN RIGHT! Will we continue to be well-meaning, but possibly go about it all wrong? YEP! It’s the rollercoaster of life so hold on my dear friend and enjoy the ride!
Sheila says
Don’t you wish these ‘aha moments’ were more timely . . . specifically before we speak the words that can’t be taken back or erased from our’s and other’s memories. Well put dear friend.
Noni says
Commending our children is sooooo important. However, it can become a double-edged sword that can build up and encourage or, worst-case scenario, create another narcissist in this already overly narcissistic world. Our kids are damaged by gushing praise for something that is not actually praiseworthy, insincere, or mere ego-stroking. I say this from that perfect 20/20 hindsight of life experience. I did not praise my daughter often enough and she grew up thinking–and still believes–that her brothers were more loved. We have a very good relationship now but it has taken decades to get there. Now for the tough part. My husband, her father, was a major narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, and you just don’t have a chance to recognize that before you’ve placed yourself under their control. He was not all bad; he was, however, impossible to ‘please’ and his rules changed daily, sometimes hourly. We (the kids and I) eventually figured out the problem was his, not ours. We know how he became a narcissist; his mother turned him into one by constantly showering him with compliments, telling him what he wanted to hear rather than what he sometimes needed to hear, siding with him in any dispute where someone had indicated he’d made a mistake or needed to make some adjustment. It nearly destroyed all of us. My children are very conscious of how much their kids need commendation but they are also careful to make sure it’s sincere and deserved. You can always find something positive to commend others for but knowing what and when can have a positive or negative influence.