Jenmenke

Road Warrior

meatless monday

My Brother Reads my Blog

I was afforded this information at a birthday dinner for my nephew on Saturday night. My brother reads my blog. No matter what I write from this point on, it is sure to be:

  1. Misquoted. (I will misquote him)
  2. Exaggerated. (I will exaggerate the actual exchange)
  3. Offensive. (I will offend my mom)

(No, it’s not actually about my mom. I will just somehow end up making her feel bad. I accept this and will make amends as soon as I finish writing it, for all of you concerned.)

Immediately after making the statement “I have read almost all of your blog,” my brother said, “and I have three observations.” I was so excited! What were they? Do tell!

  1. It is weird
  2. It is well-written
  3. It is obsessive

When asked to expound on that, he said “Like cutting boards. Who writes about cutting boards? It seems obsessive.”

I was rather stunned. Cutting boards seemed like one of my more mainline subjects.

I think maybe what he really meant to say is “Who CARES about cutting boards?” Or, “Who READS about cutting boards?”

And then he said — though I admit it was sort of hard to hear inside the raucous restaurant — something along the lines of “Who — I mean what kind of person — decides for their family a New Year’s Resolution as horrible as Meatless Mondays and then doesn’t PLAN for it — at least on the first day?”

Fair.

But then, didn’t this same person grow up with me? Should he not know me better than that? Is it not painfully clear that I create these mini crises for myself? By not planning, by forgetting, by being late, I create these mini dramas that — if conquered — make me that much more awesome?

I’m kidding. Surely there is some deep-seated psychological reason for my actions, but I assure you. I have plenty of self esteem. I don’t need to create more for myself at the expense of bad meals, forgotten meetings and speeding tickets — although I have plenty of those.

The conversation about the blog didn’t really last all that long, though — as much as I was enjoying it — because it unfairly left both my sister-in-law and my husband out of the exchange, being that neither of them read it. Oh, Dave will tell you he does.

But that would be a lie.

And yes. This is a test.

(In fact, when Dave expressed his genuine surprise that my brother actually does, in fact, read my blog amidst his extremely busy days, my brother said “Well. She signed me up for email announcements. I have little choice. They come right to my inbox.” It is true — and ingenious! I should do that for my whole family! I had completely forgotten I did that. And to know now that it works? I’d say that anyone I have emails for is in serious danger…)

So today is Meatless Monday Three. And yet another conundrum confronts me: I have book club tonight. So, do I make a meatless dish for the family before I go? Or do I push it off until tomorrow?

I think I push it off until tomorrow. I would hate to miss it. I’ve got portobello mushrooms in the fridge. Which of course sound delicious to most, but not to the other three in my family. Alternatively, I’m looking at an Indian dish with homemade flatbread. But I need red lentils, which I don’t have. And, of course, I have no idea where I even saw the recipe that looked so good to me…

As an aside, I know this is — to quote my brother — a weird post. I would like to have posted my mom’s famous taco recipe today, or my awesomely healthy raspberry muffins I made this weekend, or even the most bizarre popovers ever to emerge from my oven. But I am always forgetting to take the final pictures! It makes me the worst food blogger ever, I think.

Maybe I still will post those recipes. Who knows. Maybe the final photo doesn’t really matter.

The photo I DO have handy and will share with you today is in honor of my brother. I meant to post it on the New Year’s Eve post, but it didn’t really fit anywhere. And frankly, I think he felt left out.

So here it is. He was terribly ill and this photo makes him look very puffy and is therefore not the very best, but it also highlights my adorable mom and dad. So the photo serves a double purpose. Which of course is: if I haven’t offended my mom by now, this photo will surely do the trick.

Meatless Monday Two

Ma Po Tofu!

My second Meatless Monday venture very nearly echoed my first: it was almost 3pm before I was finished with my “chores.”

Yes. I admit it. I was working on this effing puzzle. My mom brought it back from Hayward where we had been working on it over the holidays. Never in all my puzzle-working years have I not finished a puzzle over the course of a couple days. I know this one doesn’t look much different than your average puzzle. But trust me, it was. I’ve even worked puzzles that are practically monochromatic and had better luck. I hung my head in shame as we left Hayward to come home, leaving the puzzle incomplete. I figured my mom would finish it off…

Not so. She and my Dad showed up on my doorstep with it as they left town for Mexico cursing my fate for the next two days.

They also left me with their new (rescue) dog Pippi. Better known as POOPY to me, since all she does is crap in my house.

Well, she keeps Lola happy, too. Which is nice.

Anyway. I digress. I was doing the stupid puzzle, and I was also making boatloads of bread for the people who won it at an auction several months ago. I was also oiling the Paperstone counters and the now-apparently-poisoned cutting boards (see the comments section) with the good Paperstone oil, only wandering into my office and the computer around lunch time to return emails and make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything important. (I’m serious. I really do that. I just don’t always catch things in time.

It was then I saw this tweet from @CaptainMal: “What’s for dinner tonight?” #meatlessmonday

Shit, shit and double shit. Meatless Monday! (Are you picking up on a theme here? Don’t remind me to tell you about the two back-to-back board meetings that took place last week that I forgot about and was late for.)

Foreseeing this exact situation, I had armed myself with a few staples at the grocery store last week. Namely, I had picked up some tofu and fresh broccoli.

I suddenly remembered this recipe I had cut out of Cooking Light years ago for something called Ma Po Tofu. I sifted thru the stack in my recipe folder and found it. (Amazing, in and of itself.) The only problem was that it called for ground pork and chicken broth. Really? You call something Ma Po TOFU and include MEAT in it?

I had to do a fair bit of ad libbing since the recipe didn’t call for much more than the tofu and pork… And? It turned out really good. Charlie wasn’t happy, but Morgan liked it. And… OH, I almost forgot! Dave was out of town! I completely forgot he was gone (!) until he called in the middle of my prep. I reminded him that he couldn’t have any meat because it was ‘his’ New Year’s Resolution. He just laughed and asked me if I thought it was a coincidence that he was gone on Monday.

(I don’t have full control over everyone in the family  yet. But I am working on it.)

Anyway, I fully endorse this recipe, so go ahead and try it!

Slice 1 block of firm tofu horizontally into 6 slices and put several layers of paper towel on top and weight with a plate (I used a pie plate with a bowl of water to weight it down) for at least 30 minutes.

Then drain off any water and dice into 1/2″ pieces.

I happened to have some ancient vegetable bouillon.

…which looked disgusting as it dissolved, but tasted *fine*, I guess. I’m going to have to make some real vegetable stock because I really don’t like bouillon cubes — in any flavor — all that much. I think they are just colored salt.

Mix 1 cup vegetable broth with 2 tablespoons soy sauce, 1 tablespoon corn starch, 1 tablespoon oyster sauce and 1-2 teaspoons of chili garlic sauce. Whisk together and set aside.

Blanch a half head of broccoli and 1/2 cup peanuts (I just used dry roasted because that’s all I ever have) in boiling water for about 1-2 minutes. Broccoli should still be firm.

Drain and shock in ice water. Then drain again (picking out any remaining ice cubes).

Dice and saute half an onion, three minced garlic cloves and about two tablespoons of grated ginger. Then add 1/2 cup of edamame and the diced tofu. Stir fry over medium high heat for 3-4 minutes. Then add sauce mix, scraping the bottom of the pan well. Throw in the drained broccoli and peanuts and stir until hot.

At the last minute I threw in about 1/8 cup of chopped red peppers for some color. I liked it.

Serve over hot brown rice and promise your 12.5 year old son that you won’t post the picture you snapped of him with a big pouty face as you serve the delicious tofu meal.

Meatless Monday One

I already regret my New Year’s Resolution.

I lost track of time, like always.

Every January I am struck by a strange and unstoppable compulsion to clean, organize and declutter every closet, shelf, cabinet and drawer. It doesn’t matter what my calendar says or what other promises I have made for the day. I suddenly and inexplicably find myself with a rag in one hand cleaning the outer corners of a pantry that hasn’t seen a mop or a vacuum in at least two years.

That was a few days ago. Monday, it was the two junk drawers in the kitchen and the book shelves in the living room. It took all day. I don’t know why it took all day, but it did. And I was exhausted by the end of it. My donation pile grew and my satisfaction along with it. Until… I realized… oh shit. MEATLESS MONDAY!

And by now, of course, you all know that a quick run to the grocery store was not an option for me.

What to do, what to do.

I run by the Tasty Kitchen in a frenzy. My scattered brain and frantic fingers can hardly concentrate. Morgan wanted butternut squash pasta or ravioli. No time for that. Besides, no butternut! (hear that Michelle? NO BUTTERNUT!) What do I have… what can I make….

Perhaps because the idea of Morgan’s butternut pasta was somehow lodged in my psyche… I don’t know. I don’t know what possessed me to consider the roasted carrots in the freezer from the fall of 2008. Who knows how my brain works.

But defrost the carrots I did.

And it was all downhill from there.

Oh, I gave it a nobel effort. But from that very first decision, I was lost.

So, yes. I promised to write about each meal. But you won’t be needing this recipe. So I’ll save you all the lovely photos of the process.

Except maybe this one:

mmm. I bet that makes your mouth water, doesn’t it?

Maybe the same feeling you get right before you throw up.

Here’s another detail about the night’s festivities: I must have been asked six times, between the hours of 5 and 7, what I was making. Dave even called from the car out of curiosity.

What could I say?

Baked Wheat Pasta with Pureed Carrot Sauce? Are you kidding me?

With ginger, garlic, wine, half and half, orange juice, thyme, sage, pine nuts and ricotta? Because I just kept adding ingredients with the hope that it would begin to taste like something other than year-old roasted carrots from the freezer?

What would you have said?

So I lied.

(Don’t worry. They don’t read this so they’ll never know. I told them it was indeed butternut squash.)

And they believed me!

And they ate it!

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Except for the fact that we all had to add about a cup of liquid to our plates in order to make it edible. I added half and half. I mean it’s Meatless Monday, not Fatfree Friday.

But I still think bacon bits would have improved it.

Meatless Mondays!

Come along on the ride, or join the movement with us*

*The Menke family is embarking on their 2nd annual New Year’s resolution lead fearlessly by the mother ship.

(I can’t say they are any happier about this resolution than they were about the last.)

See, I am a woman of the obtainable resolution. I am serious about resolutions. I don’t necessarily make one every year, but if I do make one, I aim to I keep it. For that reason, I never make a resolution about weight or working out. It’s such a cliché, it’s hard, and as soon as I go on record with anything diet or excersice related I begin to obsess. We can’t have that. But the bottom line is, it is really, really hard — though probably not any harder than the year I made a resolution to improve my posture….

That was a bad resolution.

I did work on my posture and I continue to work on my posture. And I will always and forever be working on my horrible posture. Bad resolution.

So anyway.

I always ask my family what their resolution is going to be. And every year it’s the same thing. They don’t have one. They don’t want one. They like their life the way it is. They see no point to self improvement.

So I make suggestions. Why don’t you try to __(fill in the blank)_.

Still no takers. (And I come up with some pretty good ones.)

So I make stronger suggestions mixed with threats and guilt, as only I can do. (I was going to say “as only a mother can do,” but I actually feel that I possess a special gift for this negotiation technique.)

Anyway, last year I had a brilliant idea. Instead of making my own resolution, I would make a family resolution. I would decide something that I wanted to achieve and then call it a family resolution and drag them all down the rabbit hole with me.

In order to make my plan work, I would need to choose the resolution wisely. It would need to be something that — if resisted — I could twist into something truly ugly.  And so it was:

The Spontaneous Dinner Prayer vs The Rote Dinner Prayer

You see, we defected from the local Catholic church a few years ago and began attending an Evangelical Free Church. Marvelous, marvelous place. Truly. However, with all of us Catholics and our rote prayer upbringing, we were serious fish out of water when it came to what I call the “spontaneous prayer.”

I like to think I’m a brave person and not easily embarrassed. But ask me to pray in front of someone or lead a prayer? I can’t think of anything worse. I’m not kidding.

Plus, our dinner meal always started off with the most pathetic attempt at prayer. Everyone mumbling “Bless us the Lord and these Thy gifts…” as fast as possible. I was quite certain that the kids didn’t even really know what they were saying.

I tried to slow things down. Emphasize words. But I was just that person not keeping pace with the rest.

The Spontaneous Prayer resolution would be multi-layered:

  1. It would force my family to join in the fun by making a resolution that I could enforce
  2. It would improve the dinner prayer by making everyone think about what they wanted to say
  3. It would improve our standing in the eyes of God (*hopefully)
  4. It would let me practice my insane fear of praying in front of people on my family with the idea that it would get easier when I needed to do it in front of others (*it did not)
  5. It would increase my diabolical control over my family

All things considered, Family Resolution 2009 was a smashing success. There is no reason to believe 2010 won’t bring the same success.

I came up with Meatless Mondays after reading and listening to several sources talk about the complexities of calculating our “carbon footprint” and why eating local isn’t the end-all solution.

We do fairly well on the whole localvore thing, so I was dismayed to learn (or be brainwashed into believing, as some would say) that US meat production is ridiculously bad for the earth. However, let me be clear on one thing: We Love Meat.

I do fantasize the notion of going vegetarian, but like making a resolution about exercising, I am a realist. And here’s one fact that can not be denied: there is no vegetarian dish that can’t be made 100% better with the addition of crumbled bacon. Period. How can I walk away from crumbled bacon for the rest of my life? And don’t get me started on vegan and the loss of blue cheese…

Vegetarianism is simply not an option for me at this point in my life. However — and this is for you  GARY FRANCIONE WHOEVER YOU ARE — if our family eats meatless even one day a week it will make a bigger difference than if we drove a hybrid car instead of our gas-guzzling SUV’s. Isn’t that better than nothing?

So all you vegans and vegetarians, please don’t turn your noses up. You could even encourage meat lovers like me to take baby steps in a noble new direction. Or you could simply worship and admire me. That would be even better.

Tomorrow: Our first Meatless Monday Meal: Disaster. What was I even thinking when I pureed year old carrots from the freezer?